Why reading won’t change you and the tiny actions that will

Today, I want to talk with you about a topic many introverts hate and at the same time long for: confidence.

For years, I thought the solution to all my problems was that I just needed to be confident.

I thought and said that my biggest lack is confidence. I was still shy, hence lacked social skills because I had some social traumas, interactions, and relationships that didn’t go so well.

At the age of 12, I was so shy that I was afraid to talk to my aunt (whom we were really close to) and to go to the supermarket to buy lunch.

But I already had the ambition (or intuition) to become more than I was when I went to the school counselor. And you know what didn’t work: just reading about confidence.

Reading doesn’t make you confident

The counselor gave me small tasks out of my comfort zone to overcome my shyness. Small steps to show myself and my nervous system, “You’re not gonna die if you talk to your aunt.”

And that was the start of my journey with personal development.

In the next 2 decades, I would read a lot about confidence because, as I said, I thought it was the solution to all my problems.

Books like “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” did make me change my perspective of people and my people-pleasing.

I was afraid of being exposed as an imposter, and that small lack of confidence is still a part I have to work on. I was socially awkward.

The reading helped, but do you know what made the real difference?
Getting out of my comfort zone.

• moving to a new city where I didn’t know anyone
• starting to study and I didn’t know anyone
• presenting projects every semester
• going to networking events and parties to meet new people
• starting to volunteer to meet new people

And I improved with every small step.

At first, I sucked at talking and presenting.

Everyone sucks at the beginning

The biggest speakers, like Tony Robbins, the biggest influencers, like Kim Kardashian, and every successful person you see online, like Taylor Swift, sucked at the beginning. Do you think Taylor Swift knew immediately how to play guitar in her first lesson? No.

I sucked at online writing the first two years, and now I’m getting good at it, and I’m finding my voice. (Please don’t check out my first blog posts on my website; they’re really bad.)

Everyone was a beginner, but what makes them successful is that they continued.

Be okay with being a beginner!

And then consistently get better. Stick with it!

Even extroverts were bad at their first presentations and were really nervous.

You have to want the success more than the feeling of sucking at the beginning.

I want to help introverted women more than I hate the feeling of sucking at talking to a camera, doing webinars, starting a YouTube channel, or figuring out my inner strengths.

With confidence, it’s the same.

You learn confidence by doing

Everyone can read all the books in the world about confidence and still not behave like it.

It’s not about “faking it till you make it,” and we know that a lot of introverts will see through you.

It’s about taking small steps out of your comfort zone, sucking, learning, and improving. That’s how you extend your comfort zone, and in this zone you’re confident.

When you talk with loved ones, I know you can talk about everything for a long time because you feel comfortable and confident. But in a group full of strangers, you don’t say anything? It’s not part of your confidence zone yet.

And if you don’t want to, then it doesn’t have to be part of your life’s comfort zone.

Could I expand my confidence zone to talk in big, online meetings? Sure, but if I have nothing useful to say, then I just don’t see any meaning in talking and being confident.

And I think that’s what people misunderstand: not the loudest person with the most words is the most confident one in the room. It’s usually the quiet one, listening, talking only when it’s necessary, and doesn’t need the attention to feel good.

I’m confident enough to say when there’s something to be said; otherwise, I don’t need attention or status.
In the business world, many people misunderstand the importance of quietness, and that’s a shame for companies and their toxic culture, which can lead to the loss of great leaders because the “ones who play politics” often talk louder.

At the beginning of volunteering work, it took me a few months to get comfortable around all the new people. I just wanted to help out. I was efficient and reliable, and that made me a great candidate for bigger roles.

Was I afraid of all the responsibilities and steps out of my comfort zone before I took on a new role? Yes, I was.

Did I do it anyway? Yes, I did.

The support I got helped me find the confidence and belief in myself to do it.

My first role was HR coordinator. I had to introduce new people to our organization, do info stands, and do marketing. It was out of my comfort zone, but I got used to it fast. I was good at it because, as an introvert, I love deep conversations 1:1, and that happened fast.

In the end, I was the president of a team of 40+ members and organized a career fair with 80+ companies. I presented our organization in front of the head of my university and was part of the negotiations.

It was the biggest confidence boost for me.

If I had started with the highest position of president, I would’ve been overwhelmed. But I started with small steps, got comfortable, and then took another step.

What you can do now to get more confident

Find some ideas or tools online, in books, or from AI, and then start doing!

Start building, learning, and growing!

And be okay with sucking at first!

I’m currently working on letting go of my people-pleasing. It’s a problem a lot of women have because we were taught to sit still, be nice, and be pleasant to look at.

Do you remember hearing about women who are too loud, too weird, too ambitious, or too opinionated? They were judged, left out, or alone.

Of course, we end up thinking that we don’t want to be like them.

Me writing this newsletter and showing myself on social media is about stepping up and letting go of people-pleasing.

If you don’t know where to start your journey of confidence. Here are some ideas:

• Step by step implement the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”
  (it’s better than it sounds).
• Learn something new you’ve been curious to try, and be okay with being a beginner
• Learn about body postures, then train to stand and walk tall with confidence
• Do an improv class
• Learn how to dance
• Learn how to speak
• Go to meetups and networking events and talk with at least one new person
• Volunteer and take on roles with responsibilities